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Friday, July 24, 2015

Oven Roasted Boneless Pork Loin Recipe



I know it's triple digits outside, so not ideal conditions for a pork roast. However, I have air conditioning. So on with the roast. Since we do not have a grill, this pork roast satisfies the summer-palette's need for meat on the grill, and then some. I started with an excellent pork loin from Full Circle Farms.
The marinade makes this roast tender, juicy and delicious!  Grill? Grill? We don't need no stinkin' grill!

Ingredients:
1 3-4 pound organic pork loin, cut in half
Marinade (recipe below)
2 onions
12 garlic cloves
2 carrots
2 ribs celery or bok choy
1/2 pound fresh mushrooms
2 thumb sized fresh ginger root
oil for pan

Marinade:
2 cups dry red wine (Cabernet)
1/4 cup dark sesame oil
4-6 large garlic cloves minced with a micro blade
1 thumb sized fresh ginger root minced with a micro blade
1 Tablespoon fennel seeds
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
4 Tablespoons tamari or soy sauce
3 Tablespoons organic Balsamic vinegar
1 Tablespoon raw honey
salt if desired (the soy sauce adds saltiness, so I used about 1/4 teaspoon of "Real" salt.)

Preparation:
Place pork loin with marinade in large ziplock bag. Get out all the air. Place in bowl in the fridge for about 7 hours.














After the pork has marinated, then PREHEAT oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.
 Large-dice the vegetables and place in an oiled cast-iron dutch oven. Roast the veggies in the oven for about 15 minutes, then remove the pan from the oven.

While the veggies cook:

Remove pork loins from bag and blot with paper towel. Reserve the marinade.
Brown the pork loins in nonstick pan over medium high heat ( about 10 minutes.)
Place browned pork loins in the dutch oven along with the reserved marinade and the veggies. Cover the meat with some of the veggies and marinade. Do not cover the pan. Return the pan to the oven. Roast for about 8 to 10 minutes.

Then reduce the temperature to 325 degrees Fahrenheit and roast for another 20 to 30 minutes. Turn the roast over in the pan and redistribute some of the veggies over the top of the meat, and roast until done (about another 45  to 60 minutes.)  You could also use a meat thermometer and remove roast when it registers for the pork setting.

Remove the pan from the oven. Remove the pork from the pan onto a platter and cover with foil to rest for about 20 minutes before carving. 

Serve with mashed potatoes or rice, roasted veggies and the sauce produced by the cooking process. Enjoy!


Thursday, July 2, 2015

Bold Breakfast Smoothie


I have made smoothies and carbonated juice drinks since High School, before they became popular. I have since graduated to bizarre concoctions as a meal replacement, like breakfast. Just made up the following recipe this morning. It tasted so great, thought I'd share here. It's very filling, satisfying and delicious!

BOLD BREAKFAST SMOOTHIE

Ingredients:

2-3 large handfuls fresh organic spinach
2-3 heaping Tablespoons organic raw, unsalted sesame butter
1 teaspoon organic ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon organic ground turmeric
1 teaspoon cocoa powder
1 pinch Real salt (or sea salt)
1 large, organic egg
2 teaspoons organic virgin coconut oil
1/4 cup canned, organic coconut milk
1 or 2 Dates, depending on how sweet you want it
3 slices frozen banana
3/4 cup frozen wild blueberries
Water (just enough to blend, about 1/3 cup)

Directions:

Place all ingredients in a container and blend with an immersion blender until smooth and creamy.
This should also work in a regular blender too.

This will keep you going until lunchtime. Enjoy!



Sunday, May 31, 2015

DIARY OF A MAD ADVENTURER, BLIND AND BLESSED

Chuck Miller rides again. Sight impaired, yes. Courage impaired, no.

I just edited my friend Chuck's notes he took chronicling his latest tandem bike ride adventure. This ride benefited families of fallen police officers in North Carolina. It took me nearly 4 hours of uninterrupted editing, but I think the story merited the work. Enjoy!

ENTER, CHUCK MILLER....
My May 2015 bike ride from Charlotte, North Carolina to Washington D.C.

May 8, 2015, 6:30am: Gainesville Regional Airport, Delta Airlines gate. First stop: Atlanta Georgia.
I had not been assigned a seat in Gainesville, so I proceeded to ask the gate attendant for a seat assignment.
“I know who you are.” I heard a woman’s voice say.
“I’m sure I’ve never met you,” I responded.
She persisted. “Yes, I saw you on FoxNews.com just the other day.”
I was speechless.  The gate attendant commented that she considered me a celebrity, and insisted I travel first class.  She escorted me onto the plane and introduced me to the flight attendant.  Unaccustomed to VIP status, I discreetly enjoyed my first time in first class.

Upon deplaning in Charlotte, my tandem bike pilot and friend, Richard Robinson, met me and we set out to ready Richard’s bike, the “co-motion,” for the trip. Fernando, Richard’s relative, loaded the bike into his van for transport to Mecklenburg Police Department, the starting point.  Then off to the dinner of champions: pizza and beer.

Day One: 94-Mile-Ride, Saturday May 9, 2015
Fernando dropped us at the Mecklenburg P.D. to begin the ride. A local TV station was on the scene. The reporter interviewed Richard and I; as we were both the first tandem bike riders, and I the first blind rider, to participate in the ride. The broadcast piece was entitled: “Blind Guy Rides to D.C. with the Police Department to Raise Money for Fallen Police Officer Families.” 

The ride would start an hour late, so I squelched my rising adrenaline until finally the police escorted us out of town. I felt freedom ring as our escorts blared their sirens—which mercifully unleashed my patient adrenaline. I love adrenaline.
Richard and I completed only 50.7 miles on day one, due to Tropical Wave Ana that had come ashore. The storm pounded us with 35-mile-an-hour winds. Headwinds combined with the rolling hills of North Carolina knocked us out for the day. We gratefully accepted a ride with Charlotte police officer Tyler and his wife in one of the police vans. Tyler had just completed his “Pursuit Training Certification” a few days earlier and was anxious to show off his new abilities. Who knew that a bike ride honoring the police department came with a terror-filled, car-chase-like scene from a movie? While my fingernails dug into the car-seat and anything else I could grab onto, my buddy Richard slept the entire time.  

Thankfully we arrived at our overnight spot in one piece and I vowed to never ride with Tyler again.  Beer never tasted so good. My over-worked adrenals loved their chance to restore themselves as I slept like a dog, a cat and maybe even a baby.
Day Two: 120-Mile-Ride, Sunday May 10, 2015, Mother’s Day
A windy, rainy day and miles of slippery road ahead that took us to Climax, a tiny North Carolina town. We did not feel it.

At mile 54.8, the bike tire blew out.  Richard insisted that it was my fault because the flat occurred on the back of the bike. Naturally, I disagreed.  Day two, and done. 
We waited for a volunteer to rescue us.  I prayed for anyone but Tyler. Prayers answered. Paul, a seasoned, 5-year volunteer, who also works civilian duties at the police department, pulled up in a Penske truck. Paul drove us the rest of the day to our next overnight spot. We franticly searched for new bike tires, in a town that had none. We ordered replacement tires, however they would not arrive until the afternoon of Day Three.

Enter, our (sneaky) savior, Chris Winkee, a national cycling champion riding with the police. Chris and crew concocted a plan that would allow us to ride the morning of Day Three. The details escape me, but I think it had something to do with moving tires around on unsuspecting riders’ bikes, leaving those riders with smaller tires. All is fair in love and riding?
Day Three: 130-Mile-Ride, May 11, 2015
Time to SAG. In cycling, SAG stands for “support and gear.” SAG stations and SAG cars offer help to bike riders in need of help with their bike or their person. Paul was our SAG driver and he chauffeured us for part of day three, so that we only had to ride the last 65.5 miles into Richmond Virginia for our overnight stay. (My prayer still works: No Terrifying Tyler in sight.) 

Back on the bike, our ride to Richmond took us through Spotsylvania, where we met the police who honored riders with an escort into scenic Richmond.  We crossed the James River and passed the Civil War Memorial. Statues of war heroes lined the median.  I smelled flowers and trees in full bloom which triggered my allergies and caused my eyes to water. Hundreds of bystanders cheered us on, as tears stained my cheeks. The cobblestone streets, not often found on biking trails, jarred me into deep gratitude and joy.   The lovely hotel where we stayed gifted us with food and BEER. Thank you—my adrenaline and allergies really needed beer.
Day Four: 152-Mile-Ride, May 12, 2015
Richard stated that we would SAG the first 70 miles to ensure that we could do the last leg of the journey into D.C.  The last 31 miles of the ride included a D.C. police escort, guaranteed to stir emotion, and we didn't want to miss it. 

After lunch we took off first to get a head start.  For 90 minutes Richard and I outpaced the pack for 40 miles, passing one rest stop by mistake.  Five miles past the rest stop several riders caught up with us to let us know we had passed it.  We decided to press on and offered to let the other riders draft off of us.  Drafting refers to being pulled in the wake of another bike.  A tandem offers a great draft.  Once we arrived at the next stop the riders told us they would have never made it without our help. 

As we rode into D.C., cheering crowds greeted us. Richard and I pulled ahead of the group. While dodging dangerous potholes, a motorcycle cop pulled us over, which escalated the stress I already felt riding on a substandard roadway. He said we were going too fast and that if we got out in front of the group again he would ticket us.  Guess he’s not a fan of group rides. A little ditty began to play in my head, “every party has a pooper…”

We arrived at the hotel with fanfare and congratulations. My allergies became overwhelmed again. I need a tissue…Bikes stored, tears showered and pressed, we danced off to dinner (and perhaps a beer.) 

Day Five: Free Day, May 13, 2015
What to do in Washington, D.C.?  How about a tour of the White House and the U.S. Capitol?  Capital idea. We left the hotel at 6:30am and walked to the White House.  After going through the security checks we made it into the basement. A secret service agent approached me and told me that they offered a special mini tour for people with blindness. He asked Richard and me to follow him. 
As we walked, I touched the wall that had been burned during the British siege of 1812.  I hope this wall doesn’t trigger my allergies. A few steps later, we nearly bumped into President Obama’s oldest daughter Malia, who was helping with the main tour. 

Our private tour led to the kitchen where we exchanged greetings with the chef as he prepared the noon meal for the Obamas.  We entered the president’s private dining room and I touched the president’s chair. I know what you’re thinking—I should have sat in the president’s chair! 
Finally the agent took us over to the walls of each room that were covered with material from different countries. He allowed me to touch them.  By touching those walls, each with a different material, I could determine what room I was in. 

Following the White House tour, we walked to the capitol, toured it, and then walked to Union Station for lunch.  Finally we walked to the war memorials and ended up at the Lincoln Memorial.  Resting a few minutes we walked back to the hotel.  Recommendation: after riding over 250 miles in 4 days, one should not walk 10 miles the very next day for recovery.
That night we attended the Fallen Police Memorial service candlelight vigil in Judiciary Square. Police officers from all over the country showed up to pay their respects. I noticed a lot of allergy sufferers in the crowd, me included.

Day Six: HOMEWARD BOUND, May 14, 2015
We loaded onto the bus bound for Charlotte with the exuberance and sadness of kids leaving a fantastic summer camp experience. The bus broke down about 25 miles outside of Charlotte. A replacement bus arrived one hour later and we were back on the road to reality.

May 16, 2015: Back in my own bunk.
Adrenaline now calmed, but allergies, once again, keep my awake, yet full of gratitude for my adventure and the people who helped me to realize it.
I owe y'all another beer!

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

BLIND AND AMBITIOUS ATHLETE INSPIRES US ALL

How about a little dose of inspiration through the eyes of a blind man? Some people got it goin' on, and my buddy, Chuck Miller, is one of them. I have worked out with Chuck, acted as his driver and his girl Friday, shared many meals together and generally cheered him on during his quest to live life to the max.

Chuck, whom I've featured several times on my blog, has done it again. I asked him for his autograph this morning, since he showed up on a Fox News feature story yesterday. I needled him about keeping it a secret. But he scoffed; "I didn't do it for the recognition. I did it to help other people."

Now that the secret is out, he has asked me to feature his interview with Fox News on my blog. It's entitled "Blind Army Veteran is full time adventurer thanks to VA.

What's the intrepid Chuck up to now (besides shredding 100 some pounds?) Follow the link to the story and watch him discuss what it's like to engage in athletics through Adaptive Sports, while blind.

He says he may try surfing next. Now that's inspiring!

Friday, March 27, 2015

Book Review: MONEY MASTER THE GAME 7 SIMPLE STEPS TO FINANCIAL FREEDOM, by Tony Robbins


“Money makes the world go around... A mark, a yen, a buck or a pound…it makes the world go ‘round!(From the musical CABARET.)

Wouldn’t it be lov-er-ly to be rich (but not necessarily famous?) YES. But how do you travel to the financial mountain top and stake your claim, when the mountain is craggy, steep and you have no gear and no helicopter or the like? Tony Robbins, in his new 616 page book, MONEY Master the Game: 7 Simple Steps to Financial Freedom, wants to help you answer that query.

But first, some editorial housekeeping…
MISSED ON THE TITLE
MONEY MASTER THE GAME 7 Simple Steps to Financial Freedom should be entitled YOUR MONEY, Plant the Seeds and Let them Grow, or something similar, because the book is mainly about investing for the masses who work at jobs outside the financial industry. It is not a wealth creation book whereby the reader can learn income producing strategies outside the stock market.

In an interview with Brendon Burchard, Tony Robbins characterized his book: “This is a lifestyle book as well as how do you create wealth and abundance for the long term.” Sounds like an identity crisis from the get-go—Tony’s book sets an admirable goal that tries to be all things to all people—which may detract from the main idea.

WRITING STYLE CRITIQUE (I COULDN’T LET THIS SLIDE)
I learned that good writing utilizes exclamation points very sparingly, so am surprised that both Tony Robbins and Richard Branson excessively use exclamation points in their recent books. Tony defends his writing style saying it’s not a mistake, but a “technique designed to mark out key ideas and to build knowledge into your mind, body, and spirit so that action becomes automatic.” (p.43) Instead of absorbing the points, however, I focused on the irritating writing style.

 “Repetition is the mother of skill,” as Tony often says, and I agree. However, constant repetition works poorly in book form—it’s exasperating and makes the reader want to skip through the book. Chapter end summaries work well—no need to sprinkle the book with redundancies. The book should have been half the size.

THE CAPTIVE AUDIENCE
MONEY MASTER THE GAME: 7 Simple Steps to Financial Freedom presupposes that the reader has a fairly regular paycheck or small business income, and hopefully little or no debt hindering the ability to save and invest. The ideal reader: someone just beginning their career. The message: start investing and reinvesting early in order to take advantage of compound interest.  Compounding appears slow and boring in the beginning, but once it gets going, exciting things happen like exponential growth.

Critics scorn Tony for straying from his lifestyle coaching work in order to write about investing your money. I disagree: given Tony’s access to leaders of the financial world, and his obsession with figuring out what works, Tony is uniquely qualified to write about how the little guy can become financially savvy and secure. He has opened up a dialogue about investing today. He reveals some rather new investment vehicles, like income insurance, that have previously been available only to the ultra wealthy.
No way can “outsiders” trade with traders who have access to micro-trading apparatus. No way can “outsiders” spend the hours it takes to keep tabs on the thousands of investment opportunities; complicated investment methods like derivatives and short sales; the tax rules, etc. So where does that leave the “outsiders” aka the rest of us? Tony focuses on answering that question.

WHY DO YOU INVEST?
Most people do not understand why they invest in the first place, according to Tony. They have vague ideas, for example: invest for retirement or invest to build assets. However, those reasons lack focus and oomph. No wonder we don't make investing a priority.

The only reason to invest is INCOME. You spend income, not assets. Therefore, becoming financially free depends upon creating a nest egg as quickly as possible and then turning that egg into an income-producing machine.  But how to build that nest egg, you ask? You need an income, to start with (just like the old saying goes, “it takes money to make money.”)
 
THE MEAT OF MONEY MASTER THE GAME: THE 7 STEPS
1) Become an Investor, not a Consumer: Automate your saving by taking a percentage of your paycheck (ideally 10% or more, but you can start with as little as 3 and ½ percent), and systematically invest it in a low-cost index fund, like Vanguard’s S&P 500 (also known as dollar cost averaging ;)

2) Become an Insider on Investing; Apprise yourself of the rules of the money game; i.e. understand how mutual funds operate, because, 401(k)’s sink your contributions into them, and most of the world invests in mutual funds;
 
3) Make the Game Winnable by Getting a Plan: Get a financial advisor, who is a fiduciary, to help build and manage your wealth through other means in addition to an index fund. (Tony promotes Stronghold Financial for just such a purpose;)
 
4) Evaluate Your Asset Allocation: Diversify your investment portfolio through an “All Season” asset allocation strategy. (pg 411) Most of the book refers to investor Ray Dalio’s strategy for asset allocation. However, Dalio’s successful hedge fund work involves complicated derivatives and other insider hedge-fund manager techniques that require sophistication and a constant pulse-reading of “the market.”
For the book, Tony cajoled Ray into giving investment advice for the masses. The simplified version of Ray’s stratagem, for readers of Money Master the Game, consists of an investment portfolio with: 7.5% Commodities, 7.5% Gold, 30% Stocks, 40% Long Term US Bonds, 15% Intermittent US Bonds. Accumulating and proactively rebalancing such a portfolio may require a fiduciary financial advisor to optimize results. Because, as Tony admits, who has time to learn all this stuff when we have a life, job, kids? We need help!

5) Create a Lifetime Income Plan: Once your investments reach a threshold amount, which can accommodate the lifestyle you want to maintain, plan to extract an income from that nest egg you built. Tony suggests a fixed annuity with a lifetime income rider (which guarantees a minimum withdrawal benefit.) Lifetimeincome.com offers an annual income annuity calculator. (pg 437)
 
 6) Invest like the top .001%: Study and learn from those who have mastered financial freedom. Also, find ways to increase your income as much as you can and invest the extra income;
 
7) Just Do It, Enjoy It and Share It: Get started immediately with aggressively investing your money. Additionally, spend a portion on yourself and others in need. Spending is fun. Contribution satisfies a basic human need and feels good. Psychologically, you will not continue a plan if all you notice are numbers adding up on a monthly statement and get no tangible benefits.
 
9 MYTHS OF INVESTING, AND WHAT THEY MEAN
Since Tony targets mutual funds throughout most of the book, I have detailed the 9 myths related to investing that he presents in Section 2:

1) Actively managed funds beat the market.
Well, 4% of them do, and it’s not the same funds either, so good luck finding “the one;”

2) Managed funds’ fees are a small price to pay.
Turns out, that the average fees (around 3.17% to own a managed mutual fund, versus 0.14% to own an Index Fund like S&P 500) add up to quite a tidy sum for the mutual fund company—not you. Example: One million dollars, invested at 8% annualized return over 30 years, grows to $7,612,256, with a 1% annual fee. That same one million dollars only grows to $4,321,943, with a larger 3% annual fee. You lose almost HALF your investment monies with only a tiny, 2% fee increase.)

3) Transparent returns in mutual funds.
NOT! The reported returns by mutual funds are not actually earned by investors, according to Jack Bogle, founder of Vanguard. (p. 116) The mutual fund advertises a specific return; however, they advertise time-weighted returns based upon putting all your money in at once, which is not what people really do; because contributions come out of every paycheck throughout the year. Real returns are called “dollar-weighted returns."

4) I’m Your Broker, and I’m here to Help.
Well sort of—Brokers who work on commission help themselves to your money. Brokers are accountable to the Fund, not you. UNLESS your financial advisor is a fee-only based fiduciary, financial advisors sell products for commission, and they sell it to you.

5) Your Retirement is just a 401(k) Away.
But for the excessive fees that eat away your portfolio and add years to reaching your retirement goals.

6) “Just set it and Forget it.”
You must take full responsibility for your financial health.

7) Annuities suck.
Many do, however, the annuity industry is becoming more transparent and accessible to those with fewer funds to invest. The book identifies a few annuity options.

8) “You Gotta Take Huge Risks to Get Big Rewards!”
Always protect your downside in order to mitigate risk/reward ratio. The book gives detailed examples of how some experts evaluate an investment and protect the downside.

9) “The Lies We Tell Ourselves.”
Get your head out of the sand and take action regarding your financial health.

OTHER TOOLS THAT MAY HELP YOU PROPERLY INVEST
Tony recommends several tools, besides obtaining your own financial advisor, in order to achieve better investing results as quickly as possible. The reason to use such tools: reach retirement goals up to 10 years sooner than you would without these tools. For example, he starts with a downloadable app designed for the book, to get investors to create an investment roadmap.

1) A fee calculator at Personalfund.com analyzes investors’ current plan administration fees (p.111)
2) America's Best 401k checks the fees your current, actively managed 401k collects. Americas Best 401k offer low cost index funds to replace an investor’s fee-laden managed fund.
3) Stronghold Financial, a company that Tony promotes throughout the book, offers a complimentary analysis of investors’ current portfolios.

ENDGAME
Tony spent about 4 years interviewing several masters of the game; billionaires like Ray Dalio and Warren Buffet (a chance meeting with Warren, really.) Good read. I like to learn about how ultra wealthy people operate and perhaps glean some insights. Nevertheless, the interesting interviews were not necessarily relevant to the book’s main idea of investment strategies for the little guy.
Let’s face it, for most of us, investing our hard-earned money is a necessary evil and probably boring. We'd all rather be golfing, even if we hate golfing. Maybe that’s why Tony included a chapter about the future of technology, which I found fascinating, fun and hopeful. That chapter gave the greatest final pep talk and valid reasons to take personal financial wealth seriously. Financial freedom will make it far easier to apprise ourselves of the amazing things to come, like 3-D printing biological body parts, for example. Need a new bone, liver or lung? Technology may have that need covered in our lifetime. And you know that insurance companies will lag far behind, so you'll need some extra money.

It’s in the offing: Star Trek comes to life for us all. We'd better be financially prepared and fully stifle the greatest fear amongst retirees: it's not death; it's outliving one's money. 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 

Friday, March 20, 2015

REAL LOVE AND THE COLONOSCOPY

Greens v. Golytely/GaviLyte G

REAL LOVE  
Elizabeth. Romance is cotton candy. Real Love is what you do for each other.”
   --Michael Finnegan, Finnegan Begin Again

Forget the dinner, drinks and movies. If you really want to bedazzle your beloved, then offer to be his accomplice during his colonoscopy prep and accompany him to the appointment.

I begged my beloved to start the prep earlier than 2:00pm, the written directions leaving him to drink the last half gallon of Golytely at 9:00pm. Also, we were instructed to report to the hospital at 6:00am, despite the fact that the hospital crew doesn’t show up until 7:00am. Paperwork. G and I compromised for a 6:30am arrival.

 “Do you really want to be sitting on the toilet all night, or would you rather get some sleep?”
G opted for the latter. He started the pills at 12:30pm and the liquid love, Golytely, at 1:30pm.
“Golytely?”
“Holly Golightly! Breakfast at Tiffany’s;” we chimed in unison.

G proceeded to sit down and contentedly work at his computer, which he had connected to his client’s computer through the Internet.

“I think you’d better be prepared to camp out on the toilet. You won’t be able to sit here and work.”
“I might as well get some work done. I don’t feel much of anything.”
“OKAYYYY.”

I peaked in on him every 30 minutes for the next 3 hours. He was engrossed in numbers and columns.

And then hurricane Golytely struck without warning, and my sweet pea did not make it to the safes pot in time. A mushy torrent of terds sprayed the porcelain princess and spilled onto the floor.

As I prepped the week’s meals, G waltzed into the kitchen and confiscated the paper towels. Oh-oh. I better check this out.

G tried to clean up the mess, politely draping soiled boxer-briefs on the countertop. I’d better take over. Important order: “Please do not place poopy panties on the clean counter—throw them away! We can sacrifice as many shorts as it takes, dear!”

After copious amounts of bleach-spray and half a roll of paper towels, I deemed the clean-up acceptable, having scoured the nooks and crannies associated with a commode. I instructed G to please “listen to your body! At the first hint of pressure, get yourself onto that toilet! You will not be able to hold it in!”

I went to bed early in anticipation of the 5:00am wake up call. I got up for my nocturnal nature call around 12:30am. My upstairs neighbors decided to shower noisily around 2:30am, and that got my mind going and going and I tossed and turned and about 4:30am I drifted off. At 5:30am G came in to wake me for our day of adventure. I felt dazed, unaccustomed to an early rising without a nap first. So the first words I spoke: “Are you clear? What’s the color?”
“No, not clear.  It’s brown.”
“Dark brown or light brown?”
“Dark brown.”
“Is it solid, or liquid like diarrhea?”
“Mostly liquid and I can’t see the bottom of the toilet.”
“What time did you go last?”
“About 2:30 this morning.”

We would repeat these phrases at the hospital several times over.

“Call the doctor, and tell them. There’s no way they will do the procedure if you are not clear, or at least yellow.”

No call made.

At 5:40am, I confronted G: “If you do not call, then I am returning to bed and will not go with you. Call the doc and let me know. I’m going back to bed and wait for your report.”

Call made.

G’s Report: “The doctor gave me choices: continue prepping today by drinking another gallon of Golytely and reschedule for Tuesday; go in now and they can prepare an enema; or reschedule and start over. I’m not missing another work day this week. I want to get it over with. The on call doctor will call the hospital and let them know my situation.”

“So we’re going.”
I wanted to get it over with as well, even though I KNEW it would not happen today. My little voice of denial told me that maybe the enema administered by the nurses at the hospital would do the trick. They must have handled this before? Damn that little voice. ALWAYS trust your gut! It’s NEVER wrong!

We arrived at the hospital around 6:45am. The lovely valets let me keep the car in the 10 minute spot as long as I needed—another benefit of small town kindness.

In the waiting room, I try to make light of the situation and administer moral support with a few jokes.

“You sure are spunky for this early in the morning,” G remarked.
“I feel like crap. I’m faking it. I’m your loyal Sheppard always at your side on guard. Woof.” I bared my teeth and growled.

We get called back to the procedure arena around 7:30am. G describes the color and texture of brown to three more attendants. Nurse Wade tells us that we may still get information from a partial procedure if G does the enema.

“What should I do?”
“I cannot tell you what to do, dear. You must decide by what feels right for you now. I’ll support you either way. We can leave at once, if that’s what you want.”
“I’m already here, so might as well do it and at least get some information.”

THE BIG E
Although he made several attempt with the enema apparatus, G could not manage the big E. He looked at me forlornly and asked me for assistance.
“Huh? I’m not qualified. Wouldn’t you rather have the professional do it?” I exited the water closet in haste, to search for that damn nurse, Wade.

“Wade, he can’t manage. I think you need to help.”
"I’ll be right in.”

What a liar.

Meanwhile, I could not leave G to hold a thin plastic tube in the air while seated on the toilet; especially since I had already humiliated and perturbed him by recording the moment of truth with my iPhone.

I had to step up. I had to gird my loins. I had to glove up. I’m going in…how hard could it be, really? I’ve changed lots of diapers…

But then I made another quick retreat. “I’m afraid I’ll hurt you. I’ve never done this before. I don’t know how!”

I set out on another search for the elusive nurse Wade—MIA.

I’m thirsty. I need some water, please. “This is only for you!” the nurse reminds me the patient is not allowed anything by mouth (but butt is o.k. apparently.)

That’s it! I MUST suck it up and do it! I must come to the aid of my love when he’s in such desperate need! I’ll just pretend I’m the doctor…

I re-glove, completely forgetting I had no eye-cover or mask, in case of an accidental eruption.  I swiftly enter the bathroom. I’m in the zone!  I take the tube from G’s gloved hand. We set the game plan of attack. ACTION! G arises, bends over, steadying himself on the handicap rail. I insert the thin plastic tube into the appropriate orifice adjacent to purple orbs. Purple? Is that normal?

“Can you feel it?
“I think so.”
“Does it hurt?”
“Not really.”
“Is it in far enough?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well neither do I. Just try it out.”

All systems go. G releases the valve that controls the water flow and the bag empties by half.

Wade appears, “I just spoke with the doctors. The doctor who does the procedure says it’d be a waste of time to do the colonoscopy when you are not clear. You need to return no matter what. Since you are not bleeding, and this is a screening procedure, you need to reschedule.”

“Thanks Wade! You couldn’t have showed up 2 minutes sooner and saved me from this?” I may need therapy.

We all scientifically examine the toilet’s contents. This time it’s dark forest green. I defend the excrement by disclosing that I feed G lots of green salads fresh from the Farmer’s Market.
Obviously, a gallon of Golytely is no match for gobs of greens…

It may seem like we wasted the weekend, having failed the colonoscopy prep. But a cancelled colonoscopy, the waiting, the paperwork, the boredom and the scary Big E do not constitute a total loss. Because through it all, I have successfully performed an operation of Real Love! And this time, Real Love is the color purple.

 

 

Friday, February 13, 2015

AMAZING CHOCOLATE CHIP ALMOND BUTTER OATMEAL COOKIE RECIPE



Missed out on the Christmas cookies, so thought I'd make my favorite cookie, with a few gluten-free and dairy-free changes. These chocolate chip cookies, made with almond butter and organic coconut oil, taste amazing! I have not made cookies in over 15 years, but it all came back to me: the smell! The chocolate!

CHOCOLATE CHIP ALMOND BUTTER OATMEAL COOKIE RECIPE
(makes 13 rather large cookies)

Ingredients:
1/4 cup organic virgin coconut oil
1/4 cup raw honey
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon real salt
1 cup regular organic oats
3/4 cup dark chocolate chips
1/2 cup raw almond butter (unsalted)
1 large organic egg
1 and 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

Cream together the coconut oil, almond butter, honey, egg, vanilla extract, salt and baking soda until smooth and creamy.

Stir in the oats and chocolate chips. Mix until combined.

Drop tablespoon sized balls of dough onto ungreased baking sheet. A beveled baking sheet works best (with the ridges.)

Bake for 8-12 minutes, until the cookies began to lightly brown.

Let cool for 5 to 8 minutes on the baking sheet; then, transfer cookies to cooling rack to cool completely. Enjoy!

Happy Valentine's Day!